Liquid's Punishment Zero
by Liquid
Summary: Before the Mansion, before the terror.....oh god, NOT AGAIN!
1. Everyone's A Critic

Rain was comming down in sheets as the train flew down the tracks at speeds that would make Han Solo chop his nuts off. Most of the passengers were trying to sleep, but would be awoken each time the train took a curve and almost flipped over.

"Alright, you fuckers"! The conductor slurred as walked into the passenger car.

His uniform was wrinkled, buttoned wrong, shoes untied, hat on sideways, and his eyes were glazed over.

"So, we got to go fast"! He screamed as he stumbled into a poll. "We all heard stories about trains gettin derailed, or the power goin out cause of lightning"! "So what makes us feel invincible"!..."This bottle of Wild Turkey seems to work fer me"!

The train took a curve, and the conductor fell on one of the passengers.

"Parden me". He said as he breathed into the man's face, making him turn green.

The conductor then proceded to throw up in the man's lap.

Outside, on top of a rather large hill, there stood a man. This man watched the train as it passed, and then he took out his harmonica.

He blew into it, and cleared his throat.

"La la la la laaaaaaa"! He sang.

He smiled as he got into key, and began to sing a beautiful melody.

"Beer belly blues". He sang. "What color are my new shoes"? "Cause my pants and my zipper are things I rarly seeeeee". "My problem is not my glands, it comes poured from aluminum cans". "And Paps Blue Ribbon's been awfully good to me". "Now, honey when you buy my shirts, make sure they're tripple XL's". "Some of the people I know at work have started callin me Orson Wells". "Oh, I couldn't touch my knees, if I was sweatin to the oldies, and Old Milwalkee's been awfully good to meeeeee"!

"YOU SUCK"! Everyone on the train yelled as it sped away.

He was crushed. His finest performance ever, and he was being booed by people on a passing train.

"I'LL KILL YOU ALL"! He squeeled.

"Get off me"! The passenger yelled as he tried to push the conductor away.

"You're too tense"! The conductor slurred as he hung onto him. "You need a drink"!

The train hit another curve, and the conductor threw up on the passenger again.

"FOR THE LOVE OF GOD"! The passenger screamed. "GET HIM OFF ME"!

Something smacked the window.

It looked like...what the hell was that thing?

"My God". The passenger said. "IT'S THE CREEPING UNKNONE"!

Suddenly hundreds of the creeping unknones shattered the windows, and started eating the passengers.

Panic ensued, and soon the passengers were running around screaming.

Five of the creeping unknones bit into the conductor, but they they instantly died of alcohol poisoning. The conductor somehow got to his feet, and stumbled toward the front of the train.

It was getting a bit loud for him, and besides, his bottle was empty. But then he passed out, and fell onto the emergency brake, making the train come to a complete stop.

The train was now quiet.

"Bout time they shut the fuck up". The conductor said as he lost consiousness.


	2. STARS members ASSEMBLE!

"Hold still, or it will hurt more". Wesker said as he ripped off a piece of duct tape.  
"Hurry up, Wesker". Enricho replied as he struggled to keep his victim from escaping.  
"What's wrong with you guys"! Brad yelled as he tried to free himself. "Get off me!  
Enricho continued to hold him down while Wesker wrapped him in duct tape from the feet up to the neck.  
"What's that, Vickers"? Wesker asked as he put a final piece over his mouth. "I can't seem to hear you.  
"Mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmmm"! Brad moaned through the duct tape.  
"Well, that was fun". Enricho said as they stood up. "But what should we do with him?  
Wesker smiled, and Enricho nodded.  
"To the women's locker room"! They yelled at the same time.  
"Mmmmmm mmmmmm"! Brad moaned as they picked him up.  
"Quit whining, Vickers". Wesker said as they started for the door.  
Suddenly Wesker's cell phone started ringing, and they groaned as they dropped Brad.  
"Just a sec". Wesker said as he pulled the phone out of his pocket.  
"Mmmmmmm mmmmmm mmmmmm"! Brad moaned.  
"Shut up". Enricho said as he kicked Brad in the stomach. "He's on the phone.  
"Yes, Chief". Wesker said as he answered. "What"?..."You're where"?..."Well, alright.  
He hung up the phone.  
"What is it"? Enricho asked.  
"I don't know". Wesker replied as he walked over to the lockers. "Let's see...35, 36, 37, here it is, number 38.  
He opened the locker, and there was Chief Iorns.  
"Chief"? Enricho asked. "What are you doing in there?  
"Forget that". Wesker replied. "How did you fit?  
"Never mind all that". Iorns replied. "I have an important message for the two of you.  
He handed Wesker a piece of paper.  
"To the leaders of STARS Alpha and Bravo teams". Wesker read. "People murdered in the Raccoon Forest, victims were shot, stabbed, castrated, burned at the stake, raped up the ass, and then eaten". "Send one team in to check it out, and make sure to go at night with little or no weapons". "This message will self destruct.  
"Good luck". Iorns said.  
"Thanks, Chief". Wesker said as he crumppled up the massage.  
He then through it into the locker, and closed the door.  
"OH SHIIIIIIIIIIIIT"! Iorns screamed.  
The door was blown off the locker, and the burned Chief fell out.  
"To the STARS office"! Wesker and Enricho yelled.  
They ran out the door, and knocked a janitor down as they ran down the hall.  
"MMMMMMMM MMMMMM MMMMMMMMMMM"! Brad moaned as he tried to get up.

Chris was standing on a table in the break room, and Frost was watching him.  
"No way this is going to work". Frost said as Chris pulled the vent open.  
"Yes it is". He replied. "I've been planning this for months". "I mapped out the whole ventilation system, and the exact distance between here and the women's locker room.  
"But, you can't even find the office on most days.  
"That's not the point". "The point is that on the other side of this vent are two beautiful young women who are showering together.  
"So?  
"Look, women shower differently then men". "They like to soap eachother up, and rub eachother down with lotion, and then they practice french kissing on eachother.  
By this time Chris had stopped talking, and drool was comming out of his mouth.  
"Attention all STARS personnel". The intercom said. "Report to the office for an important mission". "That is all". "And since this is my last day before retirement, I would just like to say that Iorns is a worthless fat fuck, and that I have been screwing the mayor's daughter since she was 15.  
"Damnit"! Chris yelled. "A mission"! "What else could possibly go wrong?  
Suddenly a mouse jumped out of the duct, and ran across the room to where Barry was.  
"Oh, shit". Chris and Frost whispered.  
Barry caught sight of the mouse, and suddenly all of his hair was standing on end. His eyes went blood-shot, and he started foaming at the mouth.  
"MOUSE"! He screamed as he whipped out his magnum.  
He fired at the mouse, causing it to run back toward Chris and Frost. Barry fired again, hitting the supports on the table, and making Chris fall on Frost.  
"MOUSE"! Barry screamed as he ran at them, still firing.  
They scrambled out the door, and ran toward the office.  
Meanwhile, Brad had finally managed to stand up, and had hopped his way over to the door. He was just pushing it open, when Chris slammed into it, knocking Brad back to the floor.  
Then a little mouse climbed on top of him, and sat on his chest.  
"MOUSE"! Barry screamed as he kicked open the door, and aimed at him.  
"MMMMMM MMMMM MMMMM"! Brad moaned.  
CLICK.  
Barry had run out of bullets, and now tears were forming in his eyes.  
"Bullets all gone"? He asked.  
He ran out of the room screaming and crying.  
"Mmmmmm mmmmm mmmm mmmm mmmmm mmmmm"! Brad moaned. 


	3. The Prisoner

The Army Jeep cruised down what had to have been the bumpiest road in the entire world.  
Two soldiers sat in the front, and their prisoner was in the back wearing a straint-jacket with a mask like the one Hannible Lector wore in Silence Of The Lambs.  
"Is this really nessessary"? Liquid asked.  
The soldier in the passenger seat elbowed him in the head.  
"Shut up, prisoner"! He yelled.  
"Hey, check this out". The driver said.  
He turned off the head lights, and began swerving across the road.  
"What the hell is wrong with you"! Liquid yelled.  
He was elbowed again.  
"Shut up, prisoner"! The soldier yelled again.  
The driver turned the lights back on, and started driving normally.  
"So". The driver said. "What are we taking this guy in for anyway?  
"Well, let's see". The passenger said as he took out the clipboard.  
He looked at it, and shook his head.  
"Listen to this". He said. "12 counts of extortion, 8 counts of J-walking, 512 counts of sexual harrassment toward female co-workers, 57 counts of being drunk on duty, 1 count of aggravated assult with a blueberry muffen, 4 counts of mutiny, 2 counts of grand theft auto, 12 counts of conspiracy to eat an american bald eagle, and 1 count of eating the general's last glazed doughnut.  
"What a sicko". The passenger replied.  
"What do you think we should do with him?  
"Let's kick his ass!  
He pulled off to the side of the road, and they tossed Liquid on the ground.  
"He said I could eat the doghnut"! Liquid yelled as they began kicking him.  
Suddenly something moved in the darkness.  
"What was that"? The driver asked.  
"I didn't hear anything". The passenger replied as he kicked Liquid again.  
Something moved again.  
"I think we should go". The driver said.  
"Fine, you big baby". The passenger replied. "But let's tie the prisoner to the rear bumper.  
"WHAT"! Liquid yelled.  
They dragged him to the back of the jeep, and used a piece of rope to tie him by the straint-jacket to the bumper.  
Then they ran back to the front, and got in.  
"Come on, guys"! Liquid yelled as they started the engine. "Jokes over!  
He put it in gear, and suddenly a zombie dog jumped into the jeep.  
The driver's foot stomped the gas, and they went over the edge of the road, and down a very steep clif. The jeep struck the ground, and the sudden stop caused Liquid to be ripped right out of the straint-jacket. He was sent rolling away from the jeep, and stopped when he hit a tree.  
It took him a few minutes to recover, but soon he removed the mask, and stumbled back toward the jeep.  
When he got there, he saw that the soldiers were dead. The driver was pinned under the jeep, and the passenger was laying a few meters away with his throat ripped out.  
"Serves you right". Liquid said as he looked around.  
But suddenly a feeling of dread overtook him as he realized that the dog was missing. He grabbed the passenger's gun, and took off into the forest, not caring where the dog was.  
He ran for what seemed like forever, until his foot hit something, and and he did a face plant into the ground.  
Railroad tracks?  
And sure enough about 50 meters away there was a train.  
Liquid felt a few drops of rain, so he decided that the best place to take cover would be the train, even though everything he knew told him that it was a very bad idea.  
He ran over to the train, and pulled open the door. Then he was grabbed by the shirt collar, and pulled inside.  
"Hi". Xing said as he tossed Liquid into one of the seats. "Welcome to your latest and greatest punishment EVER!  
"Go away". Liquid replied.  
"Awwwwwwwwwwwwwwwww". "Is someone not happy?  
"I haven't even done anything wrong this time...or last time.  
"So?  
"So, you are just doing this for wour own sick and twisted amusement.  
"I know". "But that is one of the many advantages to being all powerful.  
"Go fuck yourself.  
Xing grabbed him by the throat, and lifted him up into the air, but Liquid poked him in the eye, and kicked him in the nuts, allowing him to escape.  
Liquid went for a punch, but Xing caught his wrist, and brought his knee into Liquid's stomach, dropping him like a sack of rocks.  
"Are you done"? Xing asked.  
"Oh, yeah". Liquid replied.  
"Good". "Now have fun.  
Xing started to leave.  
"Wait". Liquid said as he got up. "What the hell am I supposed to do?  
"Oh, yeah". Xing replied. "I forgot that you don't have a game cube". "Tell you what, just wait here, and the answers will come to you". "Bye bye, now.  
Xing vanished, and Liquid sat back down in the seat. He took his lighter out of his pocket along with his pack of Camel Lights.  
"I really hate that man". He said as he lit up. 


	4. Tests Of Skill: Wesker Vs Enricho!

Inside the STARS office, no one said a word as the tension in the air grew so thick that you could cut it with a knife.  
All the STARS members except for Rebecca were standing in a big circle, and inside the circle were Wesker and Enricho.  
"You're going down, Mr. Sunglasses". Enricho said as he raised his fist.  
"Not today, dickweed". Wesker replied as he drew back his own fist.  
Everyone held their breath as they waited.  
"AHHHHHH"! Brad screamed. "I can't stand the suspence!  
He ran across the room, and jumped out the closed window, only to knock himself out on the ledge.  
"One". Wesker said.  
"Two". Enricho said.  
"Three...SHOOT!  
They put thier fists in the center, and Enricho screamed in defeat as he saw that Wesker's rock beat his scissors.  
The Alphs team cheered for Wesker, and the Bravo team booed.  
"I want a rematch". Enricho said. "I will not accept defeat.  
"Again"? Jill asked. "But, we're running out of contests.  
"Yes, again!  
"Very well". Wesker replied. "...hey, where did the rookie go"? "We can't start the next round without her.  
"Chambers"! Enricho yelled. "Get your jailbait ass out here!  
"Is this really nessessary"? Rebecca asked as her head poked out from behind a wall.  
"Question me again, rookie, and we'll give you the old style initiation and fuck you in every hole!  
"And that one sucks". Barry added. "Believe me.  
Everyone looked at Barry.  
"I mean". Barry quickly said. "I've heard it sucks.  
"Chambers"! Enricho yelled again. "NOW!  
Rebecca slowly came out wearing the most revealing swimsuit ever made, and holding a white board over her head that said: ROUND 12.  
As she walked by, Enricho slapped her on the ass.  
"What is the next round"? Frost asked.  
Wesker stood silent for a moment.  
"I got nothing". He said.  
"Chris". Jill said. "You're the most childish person here, think of something.  
Without missing a beat, Chris shot his finger into the air, and yelled his decision.  
"THE STARE DOWN"! He declared.  
Everyone gasped, thunder crashed, and Brad flew back into the office after being struck by lightning.  
Wesker laughed as he removed his sunglasses, revealing his blue eyes, and insane tanline.  
"Ready"? Jill asked. "Go.  
Wesker and Enricho locked eyes.  
"Blink". Wesker said. "Blink". "Blink". "Blink.  
After a minute of this chanting, Enricho's eyes started to water.  
"Blink". Wesker continued. "Blink". "Blink". "Blink". "Blink.  
Enricho's eyes were now red, and bloodshot.  
"Blink". Wesker said again.  
Enricho blinked, and it was over. Alpha team cheered again, and Bravo team booed.  
"You lose again". Wesker said as he put his sunglasses back on. "And now you must accept defeat, and...take your team on the mission first.  
Dramatic music filled the room.  
"What the hell was that"? Enricho asked.  
"The Chief's new dramatic chord". Jill replied. "The city gave us some more funding, and then the idiots left it up to him how to spend it.  
"So that will play in here whenever someone says something dramatic"? Chris asked.  
"Yep.  
"The cafeteria is out of potaot chips!  
The dramacit music played again, and Chris started giggling.  
Jill then smacked him in the back of the head.  
"Bravo team". Enricho said. "We have been defeated, and must now go on the mission first.  
They all moaned.  
"Suit up, team". He ordered. "And Chambers, you sexy little schoolgirl, I had your uniform made one size too small.  
"Why"? She asked.  
"So that I can get a better view of your T&A, if you get my drift". "MOVE OUT!  
Bravo headed for the locker rooms, and got ready for thier most dangerous mission EVER!  
The dramatic music played again, and Chris giggled again.  
"Someone needs to shut that down". Jill said as she smacked Chris in the back of the head. 


	5. Helicopter Ride

The STARS Bravo team helicopter left the station, and flew off towards the Raccoon forest.  
"So". Rebecca said. "Why are we going in by helicopter?  
They all looked at her.  
"I mean, really". She continued. "If there are some cannible people out there they will see us flying in, and it could give them the chance to escape or ambush us.  
Everyone was silent for a minute, then they started laughing at her.  
"Good one, rookie". Richard said. "Next you're gonna tell me that Liberachi was gay.  
"But, he was gay". She replied.  
Everyone laughed harder, and Enricho put his hand on her leg.  
"Good to see that you have a sence of humor". He said. "Atleast now we know that you will be good for something other then wild sex.  
"I wasn't joking...wild sex!  
Suddenly the helicopter jerked sideways.  
"Turbulence"! Forest screamed as he through himself on Rebecca.  
The helicopter jerked again, but then corrected itself.  
"Holy shit, rocketman"! Kenneth yelled as he moved up behind the pilot's seat. "What the hell are you doing?  
"This has to be the worst helicopter that I've ever seen". He replied. "The lights are burnt out, the control panel doesn't work, the wipers broke off last year, and the radar says that we are about three miles away from the border of Wyoming.  
"How the hell can we be near Wyoming?  
"We're not, the radar just says we are.  
"I mean, Wyoming isn't even real.  
"I know that, which is why the radar is double bad.  
"Not real"? Rebecca asked. "How is Wyoming not real?  
Everyone laughed at her again.  
"HA HA"! Richard laughed. "Rebecca thinks that Wyoming is real!  
"It is". She replied.  
"Chambers". Enricho said as he started groping her again. "It's a good thing that you are such a sweet piece of ass, because you don't have any brains whatsoever.  
"It's like this, rookie". Forest explained. "Off the top of your head, can you tell me where Wyoming is on the map?  
"Well...no". She replied.  
"Do you know anyone from Wyoming?  
"No.  
"Have you ever seen a Wyoming license plate on a car?  
"No.  
"Tell me one famous person or event that took place in Wyoming.  
"I...can't.  
"So, there for.  
"Wyoming isn't real". Everyone said.  
Rebecca had reached her breaking point.  
"What the hell is wrong with you people"! She yelled. "Next you're gonna say that you believe in Santa Clause and the Tooth Fairy!  
Everyone looked at her.  
"You don't believe in Santa Clause"? The pilot asked. "Then who the hell puts presents under the tree for all the good girls and boys?  
"Thier parents". She replied.  
Everyone laughed again.  
"When I was a kid". Rebecca explained. "I caught my parents putting presents under the tree, and then they told me that Santa wasn't real.  
"Yeah right". Forest said. "Your parents were putting presents under the tree because you were a little shit, and then your parents lied to you so that you wouldn't feel left out.  
"I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PEOPLE!  
"And don't be saying that the Tooth Fairy isn't real". Kenneth warned. "I lost my virginity to her when I was 10.  
Forest gave him a high five.  
"I give up". Rebecca said as she got up to move away from them.  
The helicopter jerked again, and she fell forward, landing with her head between Forest's legs.  
"Well"! He said with a grin. "Happy Birthday to me!  
"What the hell"! Kenneth yelled at the pilot.  
"I'm doing my best". He replied. "But, I'm pretty sure that it won't get much worse.  
"I know how it could get worse.  
"How?  
"If you suddenly went...BLIND!  
Kenneth put his hands over the pilot's eyes, and the helicopter went down. 


	6. The Wrecked Jeep

"Great"! Enricho yelled as he looked at the helicopter. "Just God damn great!  
"Yeah"! Forest joined in. "That was the best landing he ever did"! "Hell, the thing might even be salvagable this time!  
They all started cheering for the pilot.  
"What the hell is wrong with you guys"? Rebecca asked. "We almost died!  
"Hey, everyone"! Kenneth yelled. "The rookie's afraid of dying!  
They all started laughing at her.  
Rebecca had now officialy had enough.  
She walked away from the helicopter, and into the forest. It wasn't long before she came to a crashed jeep.  
"Hey, guys"! She called.  
No answer. She was too far away.  
She picked up her radio, and pushed the button.  
"I found something". She said.  
"Who is this"? Enricho asked.  
"It's Chambers.  
"Who?  
"Chambers". "The rookie.  
"Sorry, It's just not ringing any bells here.  
"I'm the red haired schoolgirl, with the perfect size tits, and the cute ass.  
"Oh, Chambers". "Why didn't you just say so"? "Or do you just enjoy teasing me on the radio"? "Tell me, Chambers". "What are you wearing?  
She shook her head.  
"I found a crashed jeep of some kind". She continued. "It looks like it might be military.  
"So"? He asked.  
"Don't you think we should check it out?  
"I'd rather check you out.  
"We really need to continue the mission.  
"Oh, fine, you spoil sport". "Hey, everyone, the rookie wants to continue the mission!  
Rebecca heard everyone laughing as she turned off the radio.  
"Join STARS, they told me". She said as she walked toward the jeep. "Be a part of the team, they told me". "What a crock of bullshit.  
She heard a sound, and was suddenly surrounded by STARS.  
"How did you get here so fast"? She asked.  
"What do you mean"? Forest asked.  
"I walked for like 15 minutes before I found this place". "It's just not possible for you to get here so fast.  
"Hey, everyone"! Kenneth yelled. "The rookie obays the rules of time and space!  
They all laughed at her.  
"Hey, what's that"? Enricho asked as he looked at the ground.  
There was a clipboard.  
"Hey, Chambers". He continued. "Pick up that clipboard, and make sure to do it nice and slow, in case of...um...booby traps, yeah, that's it.  
"You said booby". Kenneth said.  
"I did, didn't I.  
Everyone started laughing.  
Rebecca bent over to pick it up, and rolled her eyes as everyone began whistling.  
Enricho took the clipboard, and smacked Rebecca on the ass.  
"What do we have here"? He asked as he looked at it.  
Everyone was silent for a minute.  
"Alright". Enricho said. "Who here can read?  
Everyone pointed at Rebecca.  
Rebecca took the clip board, and read it.  
"US Army Prisoner Transfer". She began. "Name: Liquid". "Rank: Ex-Lieutenant". "What the hell is an Ex-Lieutenant?  
"Maybe like an Ex-girlfriend"? Forest asked.  
Rebecca read the list of charges.  
"My God". Richard said. "He used a blueberry muffen to beat a man to death?  
"Alright, people". Enricho said. "We've got a fugitive on the loose". "I want a 20 mile peremeter, roadblocks, checkpoints, helicopter searches, and the services of every bounty hunter in the state". "The average land speed for a sexual predator on foot is exactly 4 miles an hour, and he has been on the run for exactly 5 years". "Let's go, people, move out!  
No one moved.  
"We've got like 6 people". Rebecca said. "It's physically impossible to do all of that.  
"Hey, everyone". Forest said. "The rookie follows the laws of physics.  
They all laughed.  
"Fine then". Enricho said. "Since Chambers doesn't want to be a team player, we have to go to plan B". "Rebecca, you will walk alone that way as bait, and the rest of us will stay here where it's safe.  
There was no point in arguing, so she just hung her head, and walked into the forest. 


	7. Things In The Forests

Rebecca continued on into the forest, and soon she was lost.  
"Great". She said to herself. "Just fucking great.  
She looked around, and got even more pissed off as she realised that every part of the forest looked exactly the same.  
"How could this day get any worse"? She asked.  
Suddenly a giant wolf jumped out from behind a tree. It stood on two legs, and looked really pissed off.  
"ROAR"! He yelled.  
"Who the hell are you"? Rebecca asked.  
"ROAR"! "ROARRRRRRR!  
She kicked him in the balls, and pepper sprayed his eyes.  
Jesus, lady"! He yelled. "Calm down!  
"Who the hell are you"? She asked.  
"I'm the big bad wolf". "Can't you tell?  
"I guess". "What do you want?  
The big bad wolf just stood there for a second.  
"Well"? Rebecca asked.  
"I got nothing". He replied. "Ever since Red moved away, things have been bad.  
"Now, Scooby"! Someone yelled.  
"What was that"? Rebecca asked.  
Suddenly a net dropped down on the wolf, and then a bunch of people came out of the woods who looked like they were trapped in the 70's.  
"Good work, gang". Fred said. "Now let's see who our wolf really is.  
He tugged on the wolf's head, and it didn't come off.  
"What the fuck"? He asked.  
Suddenly the wolf bit his head off, and broke out of the net.  
"Zoinks"! Shaggy yelled. "They killed Fred!  
"You bastards"! Daphnie yelled.  
"ROAR"! The big bad wolf yelled.  
"Oh, SHIT"! Scooby yelled as the wolf chased them away.  
Rebecca was alone again, and found herself wondering what the hell had just happened. She considered reporting it, but decided against it.  
So she wandered farther and farther into the woods, until she came upon some railroad tracks. And sure enough there was a train a ways down the tracks. She hurried toward it, and stopped when she realised that this train looked fimiliar.  
"What the fuck do you want"? The train asked.  
"Are you"? She asked. "Are you Thomas the tank engine?  
"No, I'm Steamboat Willie, what the fuck do you think?  
"You look different.  
"Yeah, well let's see how good you look after spending 20 years hauling pasengers up and down these fucking tracks just because they canceled your show.  
"I used to watch you when I was little.  
"And I used to watch you while you were sleeping.  
"What?  
"Nothing". "What the hell are you doing out here?  
"I'm investigating a murder, and looking for an escaped prisoner". "Have you seen anyone suspicious around here.  
"What, you don't think a talking train is suspicious?  
"Well, I guess.  
"What the hell are you doing investigating murders"? "Shouldn't you be out getting drunk and having sex?  
"Look, have you seen anyone or not?  
"Well, let's see...there's the conducter, but he's hammered and passed out inside the control room...there was this asian guy, but he left after kicking the shit out of some brittish guy...hey, I think that guy might still be on the train.  
"You think?  
"Look, sister, this is the first time I got to stop in weeks, and I've been smoking pot out here for the past three days, so cut me some slack.  
"Fine, I'm sorry.  
"Get the hell out of here!  
Rebecca left in a hurry, and kept going until she reached the middle car. 


	8. They Meet

Rebecca slowly pulled open the door, and climbed into the train without making a sound. It was raining harder now, so it covered up the sound of her closing the door once she was inside.  
The passenger car was filled with bodies, and the light kept flickering on and off.  
There was a sound, and she ducked behind a seat as she realised that she was not alone.  
She peeked over the seat, and saw someone examining the bodies. He would check one for a few seconds, and then move to the next one.  
Then she realized what he was really doing when he lifted up his arm, and put the newly aquired gold watch on his wrist.  
He was grave-robbing!  
"I bet this cost a pretty penny". He said to the body. "Too bad it's fake.  
He took hold of the body's jaw, and made the mouth move.  
"You better give that back". He said in a girly voice. "My husband gave me that so I would let the 16 year old babysitter move in permenatly...the strange thing is that we have no children.  
He let go of the body, and started laughing in a 1960's supervillan kind of way.  
Rebecca ducked back down.  
This was definatly the brittish guy that Thomas told her about, but was he the prisoner?  
She slowly moved up a row to get a better look, and when she peeked up again, he was digging through an old woman's purse. Then he pulled out a pair of tweesers, and picked the lock on the handcuff that hung from his wrist.  
Rebecca was filled with excitement as she realized that this was her man.  
A thousend visions of greatness filled her head.  
"Good work, Chambers". Enricho would say.  
"I wish I was like you". Jill would say.  
"I HAVE THIS"! Barry would say.  
"Hey, everyone". Forest would say. "The rookie wants to be recognised for her accomplishments.  
Then they would all laugh at her.  
Ok, the fantasy was ruined, but she could still catch this guy.  
She pulled out her gun, and got ready. Then she jumped up, and aimed the gun.  
"Freeze"! She yelled.  
He was gone.  
"Shit". She whispered.  
Rebecca then felt the barrel of a gun press into the back of her head.  
"How about no"? Liquid said as he pulled the hammer back.  
She dropped her gun, and put her hands up.  
"Stand up". He ordered.  
She did.  
"Cluck like a chicken". He ordered.  
"What"? Rebecca asked.  
"Cluck like a chicken.  
"But why would "GOD HELP YOU, CLUCK LIKE A CHICKEN RIGHT THE HELL NOW!  
She started clucking.  
"You can stop now". He said.  
"You should know that I'm a cop with the RPD". She said as she stopped. "I'm a member of STARS.  
"Well, whoopdy fucking doo.  
"Look, just give me the gun, and things will be alot easier for both of us.  
"And just how will things get easier for me?  
"I'll tell them that you cooperated.  
Liquid started laughing, and then he took a step backwards.  
"Face me". He said.  
Rebecca turned around, and Liquid's eyes went wide.  
"Sweet stachitory"! He exclaimed. "Rebecca?  
"Do I know you"? She asked.  
"It's me, Liquid.  
"So, you ARE the escaped prisoner.  
Liquid was confused. How could Rebecca not remember him?  
"You remember". He continued. "From the mansion.  
"Mansion"? She asked.  
A thought suddenly entered Liquid's mind. It was a long shot, but it would be the only thing that made sense.  
"What day is it"? He asked.  
"July 23rd". She replied.  
"What year?  
"Year?  
"What the hell year is it?  
"It's 1998, duh.  
1998, Liquid thought. He was in the past!  
Liquid was about to say something else, when they were interupted by the song of a man standing on a hill.  
"Down in the workshop, all the elves were making toys". He sang. "For the good gentil girls, and the good gentil boys". "When the boss busted in and scared them half to death". "He had a rifle in his hand and cheap whiskey on his breath". "From his beard to his boots he was covered in ammo, likea big fat disgruntled ylutide rambo". "Then he smiled and said with a twinkle in his eye, merry christmas to all, now you're all gonna die!  
Liquid and Rebecca were holding their ears, and screaming in pain from the horrible off key singing. Then Liquid decided to end the pain by firing several shots out the window.  
"Shut the fuck up"! He screamed.

He had never before been so insulted in his entire life.  
"Minions"! He called.  
A dried up looking zombie walked up to him.  
"Ohhhhhhh". It said.  
"What do you mean it's just you"? He asked. "Where are the others?  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"What do you mean, on strike?  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"Minions don't have a union.  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"Whatever, release the giant scorpion"! "HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAAAA!  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"What"! "No scorpion!  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"God damned environmentalists!  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"Then what do we have?  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"Well...I suppose...oh, hell, release it"! "HA HA HA HA HA HAAAAAA!  
"Ohhhhhhh.  
"No, you can't have a raise"! "Get back to work"! 


	9. Enemies

The horrible sound had stopped, and soon the pain was gone from their ears.

"That was horrible". Rebecca said.

Liquid kept looking out the window.

"What is it"? Rebecca asked.

"That voice". Liquid replied. "I know it from somewhere, but I just can't place it".

"Oh, well, you will get plenty of time to think about it in your cell".

"In my what"?

"Your cell". "You know, the place where cops like me put criminals like you".

"Whatever". "You obviously have no idea what is going on here, so let me clue you in". "There was an accident in a hidden labratory high up in the arkley mountains, and a nasty thing called the T-Virus was released". "This created lots of very hostile monsters that want to eat us". "In a few months the infection will spread to Raccoon City and only a handful of people will escape before the entire city gets blown to hell"... "Questions"?

"No questions, but I did just figure out why we found the straint jacket and mask".

"I don't care if you believe me or not, I'm getting the hell out of here".

Liquid walked over to the side door, and pulled it open only to discover that the big bad wolf was standing there. So he quickly closed the door, and walked to the door that lead to the next car.

"Hold it". Rebecca said as she picked up her gun. "You're under arrest".

Liquid gave her the finger as he dissapeared into the next car.

"Ooooooo"! Rebecca yelled as she stomped her foot. "He makes me sooooooo mad"!

Liquid's trip toward the front of the train was uneventful until he reached the engineer's car. A man was laying on the floor, and it looked like he was dead. Liquid caught a whiff of his stench, and it became obvious that he had died from alcohol poisening.

All of the controls for the train were locked, and so was the rather important looking and very large safe in the corner.

After a moment of searching, Liquid found a key around the contuctor's neck. There was a number combination on it.

36-24-36

"Excellent combination". Liquid said as he first tried to use it on the controls.

It didn't work, so he inserted it into the safe, and put in the combination. The safe clicked open, and Liquid opened it to reveal the greatest treasure in the world. Not gold, not silver, not weapons, and not a way out.

It was bottles and bottles, and bottles of Wild Turkey.

The sight of all that whiskey brought a tear to Liquid's eye, and he reached for the first bottle.

Suddenly the big bad wolf crashed through the window, and slammed into the safe. smashing every last bottle.

Liquid was heartbroken, but his pain soon turned to rage as the big bad wolf turned toward him.

"What are you doing"? The big bad wolf asked as Liquid picked up the conductor's electric razor.

Rebecca had decided to explore the upstairs.

When she got up there, she saw more dead bodies, but the thing that caught her eye was the old man sitting at the end of the far table.

"Hello"? Rebecca called.

"Well, hey there, little girl". He replied. "My name's Roshi, but you can call me Grandpa".

"I'm Rebecca Chambers". "I'm with STARS".

"That's great, how would you like to sit on my lap for awhile"?

"Excuse me"?

"Sure, nothing gives me more joy then to have a little girl on my lap bouncing up and down, and up and down, and up and down, and up and down".

By this point Grandpa had started drooling.

"Uh". Rebecca said. "I'm just gonna go".

"How much for your panties"? He asked.

Rebecca just turned and walked away.

"Yeah"! Grandpa called. "Shake that juicy little ass"!

Rebecca had now officially reached her boiling point. She drew her gun, and fired one shot right into Grandpa's head. But instead of dying, he grinned, and instantly mutated into hundreds of the creeping unknown.

She screamed as they flew toward her. 


	10. No More Hero

The front car of the train was shaking violently back and forth, and what sounded like a mix of buzzing and screaming was comming from inside.  
"And where the fuck do you think you're going, huh"! Liquid yelled from inside. "You ain't going nowhere, bitch"! "FUCKING NOWHERE!  
The side door flew open, and the mostly shaved big bad wolf jumped down. He was going to run, but was tackled by Liquid, who began shaving off even more of his fur.  
"Do you have any idea what you just did in there"! Liquid screamed. "You just destroyed the holy grail of cheap whiskey!  
The big bad wolf kicked him in the stomach, and bolted toward the forest.  
"Stupid wolf"! Liquid yelled as he tossed the electric razor. "I hope you end up as the entree in a chinese resturant!  
It began to rain even harder, so he climbed back into the front car, and closed the door.  
Then he saw it.  
There was a large piece of a bottle that still held atleast two shots worth. It was as if God had taken pity on him.  
"Thank God". The conductor said as he grabbed it. "I thought there was none left.  
Liquid watched in horror as the drunken conductor drank it and passed out.  
"You son of a bitch". Liquid said as he picked his gun off the ground.  
He was about to pull the trigger, when a scream came from a few cars away.  
"Damn it, Rebecca". He said as he ran toward the sound.

The creeping unknowns had cornered Rebecca, and they very slowly inched their way closer. She shot one, but it simply reformed.  
Then Liquid ran into the room, and stopped dead in his tracks.  
"What in the blue fuck are those"? He asked.  
One of the creeping unknowns flew at him.  
"Look out"! Rebecca yelled. "They'll eat you alive!  
Liquid caught the thing in his hand, but it didn't try to eat him. In fact, it shreaked, and jumped away. But as it jumped, Liquid caught it with his other hand.  
"Well, well". He said as he smelled it. "What do we have here?  
"What is it"? Rebecca asked.  
Liquid then took a bite out of it, chewed for a second, and then grinned at the rest of them.  
"It's a chicken vindalu". He said happily. "...my favorite.  
"Well, I'm glad that they can't hurt you". Rebecca replied. "BUT WHAT THE FUCK AM I SUPPOSED TO DO!  
Liquid quickly grabbed a bottle of Yingling from the closest table, and chucked it at the horde that had surrounded Rebecca.  
The bottle shattered, and the cheap lagar began melting the creeping unknowns.  
They shreaked, and all dove out the window.  
Rebecca was more then a bit confused.  
"Why did they eat everyone except for you"? She asked.  
"Because Brittish people are the vindalu's only natural predator". He replied.  
"What about the beer?  
"Everyone knows that only cheap lagar can kill them.  
Rebecca stopped for a second.  
"Liquid". She said. "Do you realise what you just did?  
"Yeah". He replied. "I just waisted what was probably the last bottle of alcohol on this entire train.  
"No, you saved my life". "You're a hero.  
Liquid began laughing.  
"So". He said. "In order to be a hero, I have to fight monsters, sacrifice alcohol, get my ass kicked left and right, and save girls that don't want to sleep with me?  
"Well, yes". She said.  
"Fuck that". "Being a hero blows, I'm gonna be a villan again.  
He walked over to her, and pushed her against the wall. Then he kissed her, and screamed as she shot him in the foot.  
He fell to the floor, and she hit him with her gun.  
"Fucking pervert"! She yelled.  
She was about to hit him again, when the train jerked forward, and began moving down the tracks. 


	11. Liquid's Fury Is Unleashed

The train continued to pick up speed.  
"Who started the train"? Rebecca asked.  
"How in the fuck should I know"? Liquid replied.  
"I'm going to find out.  
"Good luck.  
"And you're comming with me.  
She pointed her gun at him, and motioned for him to stand up.  
"Let's not forget that you are under arrest for multiple crimes". She continued. "And we can add sexually assulting a police officer to that list, you sick fuck.  
"But I didn't even get to kiss you". Liquid replied as he got up.  
Rebecca was surprised how little his wound was effecting him.  
"How can you just stand up that fast"? She asked. "I just put a 9mm round in your foot.  
"I've had worse". He replied.  
"Fair enough". "Now here is what we are going to do". "You will walk in front of me nice and slow, and then we can stop the train, and put you into a nice cold jail cell.  
Without warning, Liquid knocked the gun out of her hand, jammed his knee into her stomach, and tossed her to the ground. Then he picked his own gun off the floor, and ran into the hall.  
"Bastard". Rebecca said as she picked up her gun, and followed him.  
She got into the hall just in time to see him go around the corner, and lock himself behind a steel door.  
There was no way for her to shoot through it, so she would just have to catch him after she stopped the train.  
With that decided, she ran down the stairs, and towards the front car.  
A man blocked her path.  
"Who are you"? She asked.  
"Xing". He replied. "Uh...special agent Xing from the...uh...ATF...yeah, that's it, the ATF.  
"What is the ATF doing here?  
"Did I say ATF, I meant the...uh...FBI.  
"Oh, ok.  
"Listen, the man you are chasing is a real sick fuck". "A sexual predator bigger then shit". "But don't worry, he only targets cute little red head girls who look young and wear cop uniforms.  
"Well, that's a relief...hey, wait a minute, I'm a cute red head in a cop uniform.  
"Then you're fucked". "Looks like you will have to kill him.  
"But he has to stand trial.  
"You can always claim that it was in self defence, and you can kill him in the quickest and most painful...er...painless way possible". "You will need this.  
Xing handed her a clothes pin.  
"What the hell"? She asked.  
"Attach this to the top of his right ear, and he will be defenceless". "Then all you have to do is beat him over the head with a pipe until his brains splatter out onto the floor in a pattern that resembles corn beef hash.  
Rebecca just stood there.  
"Well, gotta run". He said. "Good luck.  
Xing dissapeared into another car, and Rebecca headed for the head car.

Liquid dove behind the steel door, and slammed it shut just as Rebecca was comming around the corner. Then he slammed it shut, and dead bolted it.  
"Yeah". He said to himself. "I'm good.  
Then he turned around just as something very big crashed through the roof. It had big claws, an armored shell, and beady little eyes.  
It was a giant lobster.  
Liquid shrieked like a little girl, and pulled on the dead bolt.  
The slider broke off in his hand, and he realised that he was trapped.  
The lobster roared, and struck Liquid with a giant claw, sending him right through the metal door.  
Except for a few possibly cracked ribs, Liquid's escape problem seemed to be solved, and he had no intention of going back in there to fight a giant lobster.  
That is...until he discovered that his donald duck watch had been destroyed in the crash.  
"YOU SON OF A BITCH"! Liquid screamed as he jumped to his feet.  
He ran into the dining room for a second, and came to the lobster's room with his latest and most deadly weapons.  
A fork, and a stick of butter.  
He did a kamakazi scream as he leaped onto the lobster.

Rebecca had reached the engine car, and found the brake to be broken.  
"Crap". She said.  
The train was picking up speed, and there was no visible way to stop it. 


	12. Tone Deaf Battle Royal

The Train continued to pick up speed, and Rebecca still found no way of stopping it.  
She looked around, and saw a folder laying on the panal.  
"That's the faulty break repair order". The conductor slurred as he got up.  
"So, how do we stop it"? Rebecca asked.  
"Well, when we discovered that the breaks were faulty, we took them out because of safety reasons.  
"And?  
"And the new ones don't arrive untill next week.  
"WHAT!  
The Conductor then walked over to the door, and pulled it open.  
"What are you doing"? Rebecca asked.  
"Saving my own ass". He replied.  
He jumped out of the train, and thought he was safe, but they had been crosssing a bridge, so he eventually hit the ground, splattering into something that looked like corn beef hash.  
There was still no way to stop the train.

Liquid belched, and patted his now full stomach.  
The giant lobster never had a chance. Armed with butter and a fork, Liquid had sliced and diced the monster into little crab cakes.  
"I can't believe I ate the whole thing". He said to himself.  
Suddenly he heard that same horrible singing comming from the hole that the lobster made. So, he climbed up onto the roof, almost got knocked off by the wind, and faced his enemy.  
"Hello, Liquid". He said.  
"I knew it". Liquid replied. "I knew that I had heard that same god aweful singing somewhere before". "No one else could ever be as bad of a singer as you...Garth Brooks.  
Yes, it was the one and only Garth Brooks. The most feared name in country music.  
"It's been a long time".Garth said.  
"Not long enough". Liquid replied. "But don't worry, I'll solve our problems.  
He raised his gun, but Garth was fast. He took off his hat, and frisby tossed it, smacking Liquid in the nose, and making his gun fall from the train.  
"OWCH"! Liquid yelled. "You son of a bitch!  
"Now you see my power". Garth said triumphently.  
"You did not just throw your hat at me"! "That really really hurt!  
"Not as much as this will.  
Garth pulled his gutar out from behind his back, and raised it up.  
"Prepare to feel my wrath". Garth declaired as he prepared to play.  
"Where did that come from"? Liquid asked.  
"Behind my back.  
"Oh, my God, it was up your ass!  
"SILENCE!  
Garth began playing, and in seconds Liquid was covering his ears and begging for a quick death.  
"Momma made us listen to Pink Floyd and Floyd Conner". Garth sang. "We had three square meals of mushrooms and cornbread". "Momma's kitchen smelled alot like insence and cathead biscuits". "We'd watch Philler and Dolly, and then throw on the Greatful Dead". "Born and raised on Acid Country, eatin cold hamhocks and a handful of Nebutals". "Oh, Daddy couldn't take it, he had to go, you can't play Hendricks on a banjo.  
His song was interupted by Liquid's boot slamming into his balls.  
"STOP"! Liquid screamed as Garth fell on his ass. "You are the worst singer of all time"! "You couldn't carry a tune if it was strapped onto your back!  
He grabbed Garth, and headbutted him. Then he pulled his head back, and headbutted him again. But on the third time, Garth brought his gutar up in the way, making Liquid slam his own head into it.  
They both fell on their asses, and when they got up, Garth slammed his gutar into Liquid's chest, breaking the instrument, and sending Liquid back down the hole.  
"Later, loser". Garth said as he looked down where Liquid fell. "But we will meet.  
He was interupted when the train entered a tunnel, slamming him into the mountainside.

Rebecca ran into the room just a few seconds after Liquid fell back in.  
"I have good news and bad news". She said. "The good news is that the train is about to stop.  
"And the bad"? He asked.  
Just then the train slammed into the end of the line, derailing it, and sending them flying from the train. 


	13. The Game

Liquid slowly opened his eyes, and found himself to be inside some kind of subway station. The lights were flickering on and off, and black smoke was comming from the still burning train.  
He tried to get up, but his leg wouldn't move. So, he looked down at it, and saw that his ankle was chained to a large pipe.  
"What the hell"? He asked as he sat up.  
He pulled on the chain, but it wouldn't budge. And a thick padlock held it togather.  
"Rebecca"? He called. "Rebecca, where are you?  
He looked around, but she was nowhere to be found. So, he kept pulling on the chain.  
"Save your strength". A voice said.  
Liquid turned his head, and saw another man chained up right behind him, not even a foot away.  
"I've been here for days". He continued. "There's no way out.  
"Hey". Liquid said. "Don't I know you from somewhere?  
"I don't think so.  
"Yeah"! "You're that guy from Final Fantasy 7, right"? "Clod, or something.  
"Cloud.  
"Whatever". "How did you get here?  
"I don't know". "One minute this guy was asking me if his handkerchief smelled like chlorophorm, and then I woke up here.  
Liquid was about to say something else, when he felt something in his shirt pocket.  
He reached in, and pulled out a tape recorder.  
"The hell"? He asked as he pushed play.  
"Good morning, Liquid". A very deep and scary voice said. "I want to play a game". "The burning train will explode in 1 hour". "You have untill then to free yourself, which can only be done by finding the key to the chain on your ankle". "The key is hidden somewhere on your cellmate". "Turn the tape over once he has been dealt with.  
Liquid took out the tape, fliped it over, and pushed play.  
"I said after, you cheating fuck". The voice said. "Now you only have 45 minutes...30 minutes...15 minutes.  
Liquid pushed stop.  
"Well". Cloud said. "It was more positive then mine.  
"What did your's say"? Liquid asked.  
Cloud pushed the play button on his tape recorder.  
"You suck". The same vioce said. "And you are going to die.  
"Wow". Liquid said.  
"So, any ideas on how to get out of here"? Cloud asked.  
"I have one,but I need to ask you something first.  
"Huh?  
"Why do you keep boo-hooing over Aeris, when Tifa wants you really bad"? "I mean, Tifa is way hotter then Aeris could ever be.  
"Because I love her, and I must walk around for the rest of my life feeling sorry for myself". "Now, what was your idea?  
Liquid pulled the knife out of his boot, and jumped on Cloud. He wasted no time, hacking and slashing Cloud into little pieces, searching every square inch for the key.  
But, it was nowhere to be found.  
So Liquid pushed play on the tape recorder.  
"The key is in his boot, you sick fuck". The voice said. "I can't believe you did that to him". "And I was just kidding about the train exploding, I mean, how could that possibly be calculated?  
Liquid smashed the tape recorder, and dumped the key out of Cloud's boot.  
"Sorry, Clod". He said as he unlocked the chain.  
Once he was free, he ran over to the ladder, and started climbing up.  
"Liquid"? Rebecca asked as he reached the top.  
"Where the hell have you been"? He asked. "Didn't you hear me calling you?  
"Yeah.  
"Well, what the fuck?  
Suddenly the room's loudspeaker system squeeled, and came on.  
"Testing, testing". A german accent said. "Is this stupid thing on"? "A-hem, welcome to the Umbrella training facility". "Remember that there is no I in INSANITY, and that if I catch anyone eating my ice-cream, THEY WILL BE SHOT ON SIGHT"! "This brings me to our philosiphy: Through Passion I Gain Strength, Through Strength I Gain Power, Through Power I Gain Victory, Through Victory My Chains Are Broken, The Force Shall Set Me Free". "Now get back to work, you lazy butt fuckers!  
"What the hell was that"? Rebecca asked.  
"I don't know". Liquid replied. "But it sounded like the code of the sith.  
"The what?  
"Never mind.  
Suddenly 10 dried up looking zombies appeared, and surrounded them.  
"DON PARA PARA"! They yelled in unison.  
"Shit". Liquid said. 


	14. DON PARA PARA!

The zombies formed a large circle around them.  
"What do we do now"? Rebecca asked.  
"I've got an idea". Liquid replied. "You attack them head on, and I'll escape.  
"WHAT!  
"I didn't say it was a good idea.  
"Silence". The zombie leader commanded.  
"You can talk?  
"I said SILENCE!  
"Sorry.  
"Don't be sorry, be quiet". "Now listen up". "Supreme Emperor Garth Brooks has placed your fate in my hands.  
Liquid started chuckling.  
"What's so god damn funny"? The zombie leader asked.  
"Did you just say supreme emperor garth brooks"? Liquid asked.  
"Yes, I did.  
Liquid started laughing harder.  
"SILENCE"! The Zombie Leader commanded. "I sentance you to death by Don Para Para.  
"Death by what"? Rebecca asked.  
Liquid then noticed that some of the zombies were holding things.  
They appeared to be carrying parts of a large sound system, and they now moved to set it all up.  
"What's going on"? Rebecca asked.  
"Not sure". Liquid replied as they finished setting up the giant stereo system.  
They pushed the button, and an off beat and very choppy drum beat began to play. It almost sounded like techno.  
"DON PARA PARA"! The Zombies yelled.  
They all then began dancing to the music with movements that were just as off beat and choppy.  
"Kick left, kick right". The zombie leader sang. "Kick left, kick right, spin out of sight, and move it in tight.  
"What the hell"? Rebecca asked.  
Liquid didn't answer her as he watched the dance. There was something fimiliar about it, but he just couldn't put his finger on it.  
"Jump up, jump down". The zombie leader continued. "Jump up, jump down, turn all around, and make a smile". "That's the way we do it". "Don Para, Don Para, Don Para Para". "Don Para, Don Para, Don Para Para.  
Then he remembered, and a look of fear flashed across Liquid's face.  
"JUMPIN JESUS"! Liquid yelled. "Cover your ears, don't listen to them!  
But it was too late.  
Liquid turned around to see Rebecca dancing along with them.  
"What's happening to me"! She yelled as she kepy dancing.  
Liquid went to cover his ears, but suddenly he started dancing too.  
"That's the way we do it". The song continued. "Don Para, Don Para, Don Para Para". "Don Para, Don Para, Don Para Para".

3 HOURS LATER

The song was still being sung, and Liquid and Rebecca were still dancing. But thier bodies were giving out, causing them severe pain.  
"You have to do something". Rebecca said.  
"MOMMY"! Liquid yelled. "Make the bad man stop!  
"You are worthless". "I hate you, Liquid.  
"Fuck off.  
Rebecca was getting mad.  
"In every other situation you got out". She said. "You always had some crazy ass brittish weapon or skill to save your own ass". "Why don't you have one this time?  
This made Liquid think.  
"I got it". He said. "Try to cover your ears.  
"Why"? She asked.  
"Just do it!  
It took all of her strength, but she managed to cover her ears.  
"Hey, zombies". Liquid said. "I'm gonna give you one chance to surrender.  
The zombies kept dancing.  
"Fine". He continued. "Prepare to feel the wrath of the most powerful weapon in the brittish arsonal.  
He closed his eyes, and took a deep breath.  
"Ni"! He yelled.  
Instantly the music stopped, and the zombies covered thier ears.  
"Ni"! Liquid continued. "Ni...Ni...Ni...Ni!  
The zombies were screaming, and falling to the floor.  
"Ni"! Liquid continued. "Ni...Ni...Ni...Ni...Ni!  
The zombie's head began exploding, and soon they were all dead. Liquid then fell to the floor, exausted from both the dance, and the forbiddon word.  
"Are you alright"? He asked.  
Rebecca responded by snapping the clothes pin onto his ear, instantly paralyzing him.  
"What gives"? He asked.  
"You are under arrest". She said as she got to her feet. "Now, we are going to go upstairs, and get out of here before anything else fucked up happens.  
She grabbed him by his ankles, and dragged him over to an elevator that was convieniently placed in the middle of the room.  
Then she hit the button, and they started up. 


	15. Monsters And Masters

The elevator came to a stop on the second floor, and Rebecca began dragging Liquid across the room.  
He tried to move, but the clothes pin had him completely paralyzed.  
"I have to admit". Rebecca said as she took a break. "I didn't believe him when he said it would work on you.  
"What"? Liquid groaned. "Who?  
"Agent Xing with the FBI.  
Liquid's eyes widened, and his arm began shaking violently as he tried to reach his ear. But his effort was stopped when Rebecca kicked him in the stomach as hard as she could.  
"I just realized something". She said. "This is a rare opportunity for me to vent some of my rage.  
She began kicking him harder.  
"For the past three weeks". She continued. "It's been nothing but sexual predators trying to get in my pants". "Schoolgirl this, and Jailbait that". "It's enough to make me pour vodka in my cherios every morning.  
"Try...". Liquid groaned. "Wild Turkey in...raisen bran.  
He tried to laugh at her, but the pain was too much.  
"SHUT THE FUCK UP"! She screamed as she kicked him again.  
Then she drew her gun, and pressed it against his head as she made him get to his feet.  
"You men are all alike". She said as she made him walk into another room. "Stupid shovenist pigs that only want me for my pussy.  
She struck him in the head with her gun, making him fall into a large lower section of the room. And just as she was about to jump down after him, a giant centipede broke through the wall, and grabbed her with it's mouth.  
It lifted her into the air, and started swinging her around.  
It took Liquid a second to realize it, but the fall had knocked the clothes pin off of his ear, and he slowly got to his feet.  
Then he pointed at Rebecca and laughed as she continued to be tossed around by the monster.  
"Where's your girl power now, bitch"! He yelled to her as he climbed back up the ladder.  
"Help me"! She screamed.  
"Whatever for"? "After all, I'm just a stupid shovenist pig.  
"I'm sorry"! "Just save me!  
He reached the top, and stood there for a second as if in deep thought.  
"How about no"? He asked. "Does that work for you?  
"GOD DAMN IT, SAVE ME"! She screamed.  
"Did you forget that I'm a villan again"? "I don't do the whole damsel in distress thing anymore". "God knows I had enough of that with Ashley.  
"PLEASE!  
"Oh, alright.  
He then raised his gun, and aimed.  
"What are you doing!  
"Hold perfectly still". He said with a grin. "It would be a shame if I accidently killed you.  
He fired, just barely missing her.  
"Stop that"! She yelled.  
"Ooops". He said. "The old trigger hand ain't as steady as it used to be.  
He laughed as he fired his entire clip at her, missing only by mere inches.  
"You son of a bitch"! She screamed.  
Liquid knelt down to tie his boot, but he didn't see Xing appear, and push a pillar over.  
The piller fell on the monster, causing it to die. But it also caused it to whip it's head to the side, launching Rebecca like a missile. She slammed into Liquid, and they flew into the wall, causing them both to lose consiousness.

When Liquid opened his eyes, they were no longer in the room. They were now at some kind of asian monestary.  
"The hell"? Liquid asked as he got up.  
Rebecca woke up a second later, and jumped to her feet.  
"Shit". Liquid said as he faced her. "If I had noticed you there, I would have killed you.  
"If only I had woken up first". She replied. "You wouldn't be standing here right now.  
He aimed his gun at her, but it was empty. So he dropped it, and put his hands up as she aimed at him.  
"Goodbye". She said as she began to squeeze the trigger.  
He raised his hand to protect himself, and the gun was thrown out of her hand by an unseen force.  
"What"! They both asked.  
Suddenly Liquid got an insane look of happiness in his eye. Then he moved his hand again, and she was knocked on her ass.  
"What the fuck"? She asked.  
"It appears that in this place, wherever it is". Liquid said. "My powers work". "It's been so long.  
"What are you talking about"? "What powers?  
"The ones I used before Xing got a hold of me.  
Rebecca had now officially had enough.  
"That's it". She said as she picked up her gun. "No more games, no more monsters, no more puzzles, no more bad music". "You are under arrest, and that is final". "But, should you resist, I will shoot you.  
"Then you might have to shoot me, officer". He replied.  
She chambered a round, and aimed at him.  
"Last request"? He asked.  
She sighed.  
"Sure". She replied.  
He snapped his fingers, and that same techno beat the zombies used began to play.  
"Don Para Para". Liquid said as he began to dance. "Kick left, kick right.  
Rebecca tried to shoot, but it was too late. She was already dancing along. The gun fell out of her hands, and it was over.  
"That's the way we do it". He continued. "Don Para, Don Para, Don Para Para.  
But then suddenly the music stopped, and Rebecca was free.  
"Liquiduuuuuuuu"! An extremely thick asian accent called.  
They both turned around to see a little old asian man with a cane, and a killer white beard.  
"Liquiduuuuuuuu"! He repeated. "Rhodfsljdnfsughklgbsdfjghuh?  
"Oh, shit". Liquid whispered.  
The old man walked over to them.  
"Hello, Master Tang". Liquid said.  
"Yondhenyvivhnhcgsfadxvfjnhjfgsfsf"? He asked.  
"What?  
"Govnfhhwghskfjbldfjbsdfdfhbdzjhfichngdgfwsjfnfvugt?  
"What?  
"Rodhenhoqufnpzufmwgjfiehdhbfhgfugkhklhigujghgs?  
"What?  
Master Tang turned his head to the side, and spit a giant ball of cheese out of his mouth.  
"What you do here"? He asked. "Told you two never come back until pay cable late charge.  
"I don't know how I got here". Liquid replied. "But, I'd like to leave.  
Tang looked around.  
"Where idiot number 2"? He asked.  
"I don't know"? Liquid replied.  
Tang hit him on the head with his cane.  
"You ignorance give me terrible headache". Tang scolded. "You two not change in 10 year". "Still no air in the windmills of mind.  
Rebecca started laughing, and Tang noticed her for the first time.  
He smoothed back his eight inch comb over, and grinned as he walked over to her.  
"You with Liquiduuuuu"? He asked.  
"Hell no". She replied.  
"Good, then you not as dumb as look.  
"Hey!  
"Hey for horse". "Master Tang for little girl.  
He started drooling.  
"Not again". Rebecca groaned. 


	16. Test And Reunion

"I Master Tang". He continued. "What your name?  
"Rebecca". She said.  
"Girl name not matter". "Only matter titts and ass.  
"What!  
"Woman should stay home make babys.  
She was getting angry.  
"Why you with idiot number 1"? He continued. "Where they go trouble follow just like Bulk and Skull.  
Rebecca was trying everything to calm down.  
"So"? She asked. "If Liquid is idiot number 1, who is idiot number 2"? She asked.  
"That my idiot grandson, Xing". He replied. "Stupid boys, them both". "Both wet bed till 16 year old.  
"How do I get out of here"? Liquid interupted.  
"Pull head out of ass.  
"Look". Rebecca said. "This is all very interesting, but we really need to be going". "I still have to arrest him.  
"What you do this time?  
"Nothing". Liquid replied.  
"Let me guess...she told you 18?  
"HOW THE FUCK DO WE GET OUT OF HERE"? Rebecca screamed.  
Master Tang smiled.  
"You must pass test". He siad. "Follow me.  
They followed him to a small fountain.  
"What's this"? Liquid asked. "Was this always here?  
"No". Tang replied. "Get two year ago, instead of pay taxes.  
"So, what is it for?  
"Jailbait girl walk across water.  
"What"? Rebecca and Liquid asked.  
"If hot piece of ass is pure, she not get wet.  
"Bullshit". Liquid said.  
"Water not bullshit". "Bullshit you not pay HBO 3 year.  
"Why would you need this"? Rebecca asked.  
"To see if girl pure". "I like pure girl.  
He started drooling again.  
"Fine". She said as she climbed up onto the edge.  
She stepped onto the water, and sank up to her knees.  
Liquid cocked his head to the side.  
"Well, I never went all the way". She said as she got out.  
"That ok". Tang said. "Last 3 girls drown.  
"Can we go now"? Liquid asked.  
Master Tang snapped his fingers, and they woke up back in the big room where they had crashed.  
"That was wierd". Rebecca said as she sat up. "What the hell was the point of that?  
"I don't know". He replied.  
Before he could do anything, she snapped his handcuff back on, and aimed her gun once again.  
"God damn it". Liquid said.  
"Now". She said as she made him stand again. "We are going to find a new way out of here". "And our search begins over there.  
He looked and saw an ominous looking dark staircase with a sign next to it that said Basement/Sewers.  
Lightning flashed, and dramatic music began playing, followed by demonic laughter from down the stairs.  
"Oh, hell no". Liquid said. "I ain't going down there.  
She twisted his ear, and he screamed as she pushed him along.  
They walked down the stairs, and came into a basement.  
Skeletons were laying all across the floor, and bloody knives of all shapes and sizes were on the many workbenches.  
"See". Rebecca said. "Nothing to be afraid of.  
Soon they found another door that lead into the sewers, and it was just as dark and scary.  
"Who's there"? A voice asked.  
"Oh, shit". She said.  
"Chambers". Enricho said as he came out of the shadows. "You hot little wet dream, you". "Where the fuck have you been"? "And who the hell is this dickweed". 


	17. Doughnuts Don't Matter!

"Holy shit, Chambers". Enricho said as he walked over to them. "Where in the cream cheese covered hell have you been?  
"It's a long story, sir". She replied.  
"I don't give a fuck where your sweet little ass has been". "The point is that we waited for 8 hours for you to bring back thoes doughnuts.  
"You had doughnuts"? Liquid asked. "And you didn't tell me?  
"What doughnuts"? Rebecca asked. "No one ever said anything about that?  
"Oh". Enricho said. "So now we have to TELL you when we want stuff"? "You're supposed to be able to sence these things". "You know, women's intuition and all that.  
"Were they chocholate doughnuts"? Liquid asked.  
"There were no god damn doughnuts"! Rebecca screamed.  
"Then why did you say there was?  
Rebecca took out her gun, and shot him in the foot. Enricho just watched as Liquid fell on his ass, and held his foot in pain.  
"Chambers". He said. "That was the sexyest thing I ever saw". "Why I might just give you a reach around tonight...even though you screwed us out of the doughnuts.  
He looked at Liquid again.  
"Who's that little fuck tool"? Enricho asked.  
"That would be the escaped crimminal". She replied.  
"Criminal?  
"You know, the one from the crashed army jeep.  
"Jeep?  
"The one we found after we landed in the forest.  
"Forest"? "Where do I know a Forest from?  
"He's on Bravo Team.  
"Oh, yeah". "We had to eat him because you took so damn long with the doughnuts.  
"You ate him!  
"Yeah, but we made it look like it was done by a bunch of crows". "We sat him out on the balcany of that mansion we found.  
"Mansion.  
"I'm askin the questions around here, missy". "But, yeah, we went looking for magic mushrooms, and we found this beautiful mansion". "Then everyone started screaming and dissapearing one by one, so I ran away like a little bitch.  
Liquid's foot had recovered by this time, so he got to his feet.  
"Well". Liquid said. "You two obviously have alot of catching up to do, so I'll just be on my way.  
He started to run, but Rebecca kicked him in the nuts from behind, causing him to make a noise similar to that of a dying goat as he collapsed.  
"Well, see ya". Enricho said as he started climbing up a ladder.  
"Wait a minute". Rebecca said. "You're just leaving?  
"Yup.  
He reached the top, climbed out, and slammed the sewer lid closed. Then there was a rumbling sound as he welded it shut.  
"HEY"! Rebecca screamed.  
"Awwwwwwww". Liquid said as he recovered. "Did we get abandoned?  
"I have just about had enough of you.  
She aimed her gun with intent to kill, but Liquid took it out of her hand, and smacked her in the head with it. Then he took her spare set of handcuffs, and cuffed her hands bind her back.  
"Kinda sucks, huh"? He asked as he picked the lock on the cuff still on his wrist.  
He made her stand up, and then somewhow her hands got free, allowing her to spray him in the eyes with her mace.  
Liquid screamed, and stumbled backward as he rubbed his eyes.  
"How the hell did that happen"? He asked.  
"Simple". She replied as she dropped the cuffs to the ground. "These are the safety cuffs that the guys were going to use on me later.  
"I should have known". "Oh, well, there's always plan B.  
"Plan B?  
Liquid ran at her full speed, and speared her, sending them both into the water. But it was a fast current, so they floated at extreme speeds for god knows how long before they suddenly hit dry ground.  
Realizing that this was her chance, Rebecca pushed Liquid's head back under the water, and held it there until he stopped thrashing.  
"I did it". She said triumphantly. "I killed the little fucker!  
"What are you doing"? Liquid's voice asked from across the room.  
She looked up, and saw him sitting on the ground.  
"Then who the hell..."? She asked as she lifted her victims head up.  
"Oh, my god"! Liquid gasped. "You just killed Solid Snake!  
She let go of the body, and started to get up, but Liquid already had the gun aimed at her.  
"I've noticed something". He said as he pulled the hammer back. "We keep going in circles". "First I have the gun, then you have it, then me, then you, then me, then you, then me.  
"And now me". A voice said.  
Garth Brooks then brought his gituar down on Liquid's head, knocking him unconsious. 


	18. Garth's Evil, Evil Plan

Now in some kind of underground labratory, Rebecca tried to get out of the ropes, but just couldn't. It would have been nice if Liquid helped, but he was still unconsious. They were tied back to back in wooden chairs.  
"Wake up". Rebecca said. "Liquid, wake up.  
"But I don't want to go to school". He mumbled. "The other boys make fun of me.  
"Wake up!  
"Of course I"ll respect you in the morning.  
She slammed her head into his, jarring him awake.  
"BAD TOUCH"! He screamed as he woke up.  
"Get ahold of yourself". Rebecca replied.  
Liquid began looking around.  
"Where are we"? He asked. "Why are we tied up"? "How long have we been here"? "Is Hillery still the President of The United States?  
"It's been 45 minutes". She replied.  
"I hate being tied up in a chair". "I had a bad experience last time.  
"I don't think I want to know.  
"It was those damn Olsen twins". "Sure, they pretend to be sweet and innocent, but the second you become helpless, they turn into the dominatrix bitches from hell.  
"You can stop now.  
I'm serious.  
She headbutted him again.  
"So am I"! She yelled. "If you don't shut up right this second, I will show you some pain techniques that would make the Gimp himself turn white!  
Liquid thought about it for a second.  
"That might be kind of cool". He replied.  
She was about to hit him again, when the door opened, and Garth Brooks walked in followed by 10 more zombies.  
"Garth Brooks". Liquid said. "What evil scheme are you plotting this time?  
"Oh, it's bad". He replied. "It is a bad plan that will hurt many people who are good". "And it is oh so evil". "Question the plan at your peral". "Any questions?  
Liquid was about to say something, but was interupted by Garth's boot slamming into his mouth.  
"SILENCE"! He screamed. "I will no longer tolerate your insessive blithering!  
He walked away as Liquid spat out a tooth.  
"Alright". Rebecca said. "What's the beef between you two?  
"Huh"? Garth asked.  
"What happened to make you hate him so bad?  
"Well...well...oh, just look at him". "If I looked like him I would kick my own ass.  
"What's wrong, Garth"? Liquid asked. "Still angry about what happened in 1995?  
Garth suddenly brought up his guitar, and slammed it into Liquid's knees, making him scream.  
"I WOULD HAVE WON"! Garth screamed. "But this little fuck nut screwed up my plan to destroy the brittish parliment.  
"Parliment"? Rebecca asked.  
"It happened like this". Liquid said. "1995 in London during the festival of Oberon.  
"What's Oberon?  
"I don't know, but it's the one day every two years that I can go back to my home country without having to worry about my outstanding arrest warrants". "I had already took second place in the Para-Para dancing competition, and was on my way to enter the amature curb stomping challenge, when I discovered that Garth here was invited to perform at the live consert". "I decided to plot some evil against him, but before I could, I overheard his plot.  
"What was it?  
"I had planned". Garth explained. "To destroy the entire parliment by giving every member a special pair of boxer shorts". "These were not any ordinary underwear, not at all". "They were made out of a special fiber that, apon hearing my music, shrinks down to the size of a corn nut in less then a half a second". "Now just imagine what would happen to a man if he was wearing them when they shrunk.  
All three of them cringed.  
"All went well until I revealed my plot just before playing". Garth continued. "But when I made my music...nothing happened.  
"What went wrong"? She asked.  
He kicked Liquid again.  
"This little bastard somehow slipped a massive amount of yellow dye #5 into everyone's drinks". "And as you know, yellow dye #5 causes extreme male shrinkage, rendering my boobytrapped boxers useless". "I was exiled, and sent back to america, where I did nothing but plot evil until this very day.  
"So, what's your plan this time"? Liquid asked.  
"My plan". "Is to get horrible revenge"! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA"! "It all starts with replacing every coffie maker in this country with special ones made in this very labratory". "These special ones will filter out every drop of caffine in the coffie, rendering the american public energyless". "Then I will broadcast an amplified version of the most powerful mind altering substance on earth...the beer commercial.  
"Ah-Ha". Rebecca said. "...what?  
"The amplified signal will cause them to want beer even more, but they will have no energy to go and get it". "And as a bonus, my music will be playing in the commercial's background". "The lack of beer plus the lack of energy normally used to resist my horrible music will cause a three way strain, making their heads explode"! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
"But". Liquid said. "How does that get revenge on the brittish?  
"Because...it's a commercial for brittish lagar.  
"YOU FIEND!  
"Hadn't you noticed, Liquid"? "All of my attacks have been based on brittish warfare". "The chicken vindaloo monsters, the giant sea food, the para-para dancing zombies.  
"But the para-para dance is japanese.  
He kicked Liquid again.  
"That's not the point"! He yelled. "America will blame your country, and retailiate with nucular bombs, thus beginning world war three"! "And everyone will think that your people caused it.  
Garth raised up his guitar for the death strike.  
"Die with that knowledge". He said. "Any last words?  
Liquid bowed his head, and began mumbling.  
"What are you doing"? Garth asked.  
"Praying". He replied.  
Garth swung the guitar, but at the last second someone kicked it out of his hands, and then knocked Garth on his ass. Then she came into the light, and they recognized her as Reiko Hinimoto from Rumble Roses.  
"My prayers have been answered"! Liquid cried. "Thank you Lord!  
She then picked up the guitar, and slammed it on the floor, shattering it.  
"GARTH JR"! Garth screamed as he got up.  
Reiko simply kicked him in the head, knocking him out, and then she started to free Liquid.  
"Thank you so much". He said as she looked at the knot.  
"No problem". She replied as she looked up at his face. I'm a really big fan...wait a minute.  
She took a pair of glasses out of her boot, and put them on.  
"YOU'RE NOT SOLID SNAKE"! She yelled. "YOU'RE THAT CREEPY GUY THAT WAS LOOKING IN MY BEDROOM WINDOW THE OTHER NIGHT!  
"Damn it". Liquid replied. "I knew I should have prayed for your sister to rescue me.  
She kicked him in the balls, and walked out the same way that she came in.  
"Good job, retard". Rebecca said. "I knew that your perverted ways would be the end of you.  
Garth Brooks was now awake, and was getting to his feet.  
"My guitar". He said sadly. "My poor guitar"..."But I still have you, Liquid". "Prepare to die"! 


	19. Who Is The Inquisitor?

Instead of killing them right there on the spot, Garth's zombies untied them, and pushed them towards a door.  
"What's going on"? Rebecca asked.  
"Well". Garth replied. "Recent events have convinced me that killing the both of you with my bare hands is not the best way to go.  
"It's not?  
"No". "I have decided on a far worse death for you.  
They were pushed through the door, and up a staircase for what seemed like hours.  
"Well"? Rebecca asked.  
"Well what"? Garth replied.  
"Aren't you going to tell us?  
"Tell you what?  
"Tell us what kind of horrible death you have planned for us.  
"Death"? "Whose death?  
"Ours". "Mine and Liquid's.  
"Leave me out of this". Liquid said.  
"Death"? Garth asked. "...OH"! "Death, right, of course.  
"Well"? Rebecca asked.  
"I have decided to give you to the Inquisitor.  
Dramatic music began playing.  
"NOOOOOOOOO"! Liquid screamed.  
"Yes, Liquid". Garth said. "Scream in the ass wrenching agony of your final doom". "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
"Who's the Inquisitor"? Rebecca asked.  
"Ask your friend here.  
"Ok, Liquid, who is the Inquisitor?  
"I've only heard stories". He replied. "Dark and horrible tales of mind warping fear told only by the most battle hardened and blood thirsty commandos who wish to share tales of unfathomable terror.  
"A simple yes would have done just fine.  
"They say that he can erase you from time itself so that you never exsisted, but no one knows why or how.  
"The rest of the story". Garth interupted. "Is that the Inquisitor is actually a machine who once terrorised the crew of the space vessel Red Dwarf". "He judges you and if you are found guilty, he erases you and puts in someone who never had a chance to live.  
"But how does he judge"? She asked.  
"He believes that in order to be worthy of exsistance, you have to lead a good life.  
"I'm in trouble". Liquid said.  
"You must make contributions to the world.  
"Oh, shit.  
"Nothing big, just a little something to show that you have lived life to the fullest instead of just being a self absorbed butt hole.  
"You're doing this on purpose, aren't you?  
"Silence"! "We are here.  
The zombies opened another door, shoved them through, and slammed it shut.  
"Goodbye, Liquid". Garth sang from the other side of the door. "No more Liquid". "I'll miss you, no I won't.  
Liquid screamed and started beating the door with his fists.  
"I'll get you for this"! Liquid yelled.  
Rebecca looked around, and saw that they were inside a large room that appeared to be some kind of resevuar for a large water supply.  
"Liquid". Rebecca said.  
He continued to bang on the door.  
"There's no one here". She continued.  
He stopped, and turned around.  
She was right. There was in fact no one there.  
Then there was an explosion of water in the center as a large robot with a scary white helmet rose up from the depths.  
"I am the Inquisitor". His voice boomed. "You must justify that you are worthy of the greatest gift of all.  
"Uma Thurman"? Liquid asked hopefully.  
"No"! "It is the gift of life, you pathetic excuse of a man.  
"Oh.  
"Now, you will face the "Hold on a second, matey". "Just what makes you think that you know enough about us to judge us?  
"I know that your real name is Tony, and that Xing has had your number ever since you slept with his cousin.  
"So, everyone knows that.  
"I also know that you are afraid of heights, that your favorite singer is Bon Jovi, and that you masturbate more then anyone alive.  
"Damn right". And don't you forget it.  
"But you always think of Johnny Depp while you're doing it.  
"WHAT!  
"HAHA, I get everyone with that one". "Now, who is going first?  
Rebecca and Liquid pointed at eachother.  
"The redhead". The Inquisitor announced.  
They dissapeared into another room, leaving Liquid alone.  
About 10 minutes later, they came out. Rebecca's hair was all messed up, and the Inquisitor was buttoning his pants.  
"What in the sour cream covered hell"? Liquid asked.  
"She passed the inquisition". He replied as he smacked her ass.  
"You cheating ho bag!  
"Good luck, Liquid". She laughed.  
The Inquisitor grabbed Liquid by the arm, and dragged him into the room. 


	20. Trial By Liquid

The Inquisitor shoved Liquid into the room, and slammed the door shut as soon as they were both inside.  
"Your Inquisition begins". He said as he sat on a scary looking thrown.  
"How did Rebecca pass"? Liquid asked.  
"She brings joy to the world by being such a sweet piece of ass.  
"Oh, figures". "Well I'm not about to turn gay, so how do I know that I will get a fair hearing?  
"Simple". "Because the judge will be.  
The Inquisitor lifted up his helmet, revealing Liquid's face.  
"Yourself". He finished in Liquid's voice.  
"You have got to be kidding me". Liquid replied. "Why is it me?  
"Hey, man". "It's the only way to be fair, right?  
"I guess.  
"Then let's see you get yourself out of this one, matey.  
"What do you want me to tell?  
"I simply want you to justify yourself". "Give me some evidence that you are worthy of life.  
"Can you give me an example?  
"No.  
"Why not?  
"Enough". "If you can't justify yourself, then I will wipe your stupid looking ass from time itself, and replace you with another Liquid that never had a chance to be.  
"How do you do that?  
"With this time displacement gauntlet on my glove.  
"How about I just kick you in the nuts?  
The Inquisitor smiled.  
"Try it". He replied.  
He stood up as Liquid ran at him, and then started blocking all of his hits. Then he bitch slapped Liquid, kicked him in the nuts, poked him in the eye, and headbutted him, making him fall to the floor.  
"Now". Inquisitor said as he returned to his thrown. "Justify yourself, Liquid". "Surly you must have done something useful with your life". "Made some small contribution to your species.  
"Look over there"! Liquid yelled as he pointed. "It's the Archangel Gabreal". "That did it, I'm a new man, full of purpose, and drive.  
"You're full of something, alright, but it is neither purpose or drive.  
Liquid was now pissed.  
"Who the fuck are you"? He asked. "To decide what is worthy and what is not?  
"Enough"! Inquisitor yelled in his normal voice as he pulled his helmet down. "You have been found worthless". "Prepare to be deleted from time itself, you worthless little creton, you.  
He raised his hand toward, Liquid, but nothing happened. His glove was gone.  
"What the"? He asked.  
"Looking for this"? Liquid asked as he took the gauntlet from behind his back, and placed it on his hand.  
"But, how?  
"Anyone who knows anything about me knows that it is a bad bad idea to grapple with me, because they always lose something.  
"Give that back to me.  
"How about no?  
Liquid pushed the button, and aimed at the robot. The Inquisitor was vaporised in an orange light, and Liquid once again stood victorious.  
He then used the gauntlet to age the door until it turned to dust, allowing him to escape.  
"How did you escape"? Rebecca asked. "He said that there was no way for an idiot like you to prove yourself worthy.  
In responce to this, he aimed the gauntlet at her, and pushed the button. But to his dissapointment, nothing happened. And when he examined it, he saw a blinking battery symbol with a line through it.  
"PIECE OF SHIT"! He screamed as he tossed it into the water.  
"So, what do we do now"? Rebecca asked.  
"I'm getting the hell out of here". "You can do whatever the hell you want". "I am so goddamn sick of these stupid games!  
He walked over to another door, opened it, and Rebecca followed him inside.  
They were now inside of an even larger room, that was so large that the other side couldn't be seen.  
"Does this place ever end"? She asked.  
"IT DOES FOR YOU"! Garth screamed from up on a high platform.  
He grabbed a rope, and held his guitar ready for the kill as he swung at them. But the rope was too long, and he crashed onto the floor.  
Liquid and Rebecca started laughing.  
"What a dumbass". Liquid said as they started walking across the room.  
A clapping sound was heard, and a figure came into view in front of them.  
"Xing"? Liquid asked.  
Congratulations, Liquid". He replied. "You have made it to the final area". "But, Garth Brooks isn't dead.  
Liquid turned around just in time to catch a guitar to the face, making him fly off the ground, and crash into a pile of pipes. 


	21. Garth, Xing, and Gimp, Oh My!

Liquid pulled himself off of the pipes, and stumbled sideways as he tried to regain his balance. Garth was now standing next to Xing, and they were both smiling evily.  
"I should have known that you two were in on this together". Liquid said.  
"I'm afraid so". Xing replied. "Mr. Brooks here is not only the worlds most diabolical villan, but he also happens to be my favorite country western singer.  
"No acount for taste, then.  
"What the hell did you just say?  
"I said that your father was a baboon's ass, and your mother spent all of her time up against a wall with sailors.  
Xing twitched, and Liquid was flung into the wall by an unseen force.  
"Brooks". Xing ordered. "Show Liquid the true meaning of country western music.  
Garth smiled like a kid at christmas.  
"You mean"? He asked. "You want me to play tearfull songs that come from my heart"? "You want me to show him how true love can conquer all"? "You want me to tell stories that make him feel every range of emotion untill he realises that what is really important in life is family and "NO"! Xing yelled as he smacked him in the face. "I WANT YOU TO KILL HIM!  
"You don't have to yell.  
"JUST FUCKING DO IT!  
He started toward Liquid.  
"I'm sleeping somewhere else tonight". Garth sobbed.  
"Wow, dude". Liquid said.  
"Wow, what, Liquid"? Xing asked.  
"I always had my suspicions about you.  
"Brooks, kill him now!  
"What about her"? Garth asked as Rebecca ran toward the exit.  
She got into an elevator, and it started up.  
"Let her go". Xing replied. "My only desire is to rub this little scum shit out of exsistance.  
"Scum shit"? Liquid asked.  
"I just have to ask". Garth interupted. "But why do you two hate eachother even worse then I hate Liquid?  
Xing seemed to get even more angry, as the memories flooded into his mind like an uncontrolable floor of hate and aggression at the horrible act that started his never ending quest to destroy Liquid once and for all.  
"YOU KILLED MY GERBAL"! He screamed.  
"What"? Liquid asked.  
"15 years ago you put my gerbal in the microwave, and made him go poof.  
"No, I didn't". "That was you when you were drunk.  
Xing stopped for a second.  
"Oh, yeah". He said. "It was, wasn't it?  
"Yeah, it was.  
"Huh...all these years I blamed you and...and ...FUCK IT, BROOKS KILL HIM ANYWAY!  
Garth ran at him, but this time Liquid was ready.  
He side stepped, grabbed Garth's guitar, and slammed him in the face with it. Then as Garth was falling on his ass, Liquid raised it into the air, and struck it against a pillar, shattering it into a million pieces.  
"GARTH JUNIOR"! Garth screamed as he got to his feet.  
He started to go after Liquid, but suddenly stopped and screamed as he began to change.  
"NOOOOOO"! He screamed. "You destroyed the source of my coolness!  
Garth continued to scream as his boots turned into clear sandals, his leather jeans turned into corderois, and his jacket became a white button shirt complete with a pocked protector.  
"MY COOLNESS"! He screamed.  
His cowboy hat became a propeller hat, and a pair of giant glasses appeared over his eyes as his teeth began to stick out even farther then buggs bunny's.  
"No". Garth said as he began to cry.  
In response to this, Liquid walked over to Garth, and gave him a wedgie.  
"Hey"! He yelled in a sissy voice. "These are perscription pants!  
"So sorry". Liquid replied as he moved to punch him.  
"NOT IN THE FACE!  
Liquid hesitated for a second, and then punched him in the balls, knocking him out.  
"Well, well, well, well, well". Xing said as he took a gun off his belt. "You defeated Garth Brooks.  
He then shot Garth in the head, and tossed the gun away.  
"Now what"? Liquid asked.  
"Well". Xing replied. "You beat Garth Brooks, so now I have to decide what to make you fight for your final monster.  
"Not nessessary.  
"Why not?  
Liquid turned tail, and bolted for the elevator that Rebecca had used to escape.  
He reached it, and pushed the recall button, but the timer said that it would take 5 minutes for it to come back down.  
"Oh, Liquid". Xing called.  
Liquid looked back at him.  
"You will fight". He said. "...Nemesis!  
Nemesis suddenly burst into the room where Xing was, nut instead of rushing Liquid, he stopped, and took somethings out of his pockets. Then to Liquid's horror, Nemesis put on zipper mask, and was now holding a cat-o-nine tails whip.  
"STARS". He said as he charged. "STARS...and discipline.  
"JUMPIN JESUS"! Liquid screamed as he franticly pushed the button.  
"Oh, and one more thing". Xing said as he walked out.  
Suddenly an alarm went off, and announced that the self destroct system had been activated.  
"Oh, crackers". Liquid said as Nemesis got closer and closer. 


	22. Liquid Vs Nemesis!

Nemesis continued to charge as Liquid pushed the call button.  
"Stupid elevator"! Liquid yelled.  
He looked around for a second, and saw a service ladder, so he ran for it, and began to climb just as Nemesis was reaching the elevator.  
"Where the hell do you think you're going"? Nemesis asked.  
"Oh, nowhere". Liquid replied as he climbed. "I just seem to be in the wrong place.  
"Not at all, Liquid". "In fact, you're in exactly the right place...for what I have in mind.  
He grabbed the sides of the ladder, and pulled them away from eachother. This caused the rungs to fall out of place, and Liquid to come crashing to the floor.  
Nemesis grabbed him by the shoulders, and stood him up.  
"You ever kissed a BOW"? Nemesis asked.  
"Ummmm...does Alexia count?  
"You're gonna.  
He spun Liquid around, and slammed him into the wall.  
"When I was a man". Nemesis explained. "I had these uncontrolable urges...that's why Umbrella made me into a monster". "The process was supposed to erase all of thoes...urges.  
"Did it work"? Liquid asked hopefully.  
"Yes...but when Xing reprogrammed me...the old flame came back.  
"Are you sure about this"? "I mean, I'm probably not even your type, so just let me go, and "You're not pretty, Liquid...but you're MY kind of not pretty...and you're not going anywhere untill I take care of this sizzle in my pizzle.  
Liquid's jaw dropped.  
"You're joking, right"? He asked.  
"No jokes here, Liquid". Nemesis replied.  
"But this whole place is gonna explode in 10 minutes.  
"Well...that's just enough time for a quicky.  
"A WHAT?  
"Yep, just enough time...so get ready to bugaloo!  
Just then the elevator opened, so Liquid put both feet on the wall, and pushed off with all of his strength. This made Nemesis lose his balance, and fall down, giving Liquid the chance to get away.  
He dove into the elevator, and the doors closed just before Nemesis reached them. The monster then simply forced the doors open, and ran inside, allowing the doors to close behind him.  
Liquid was not inside.  
"Hey, Gimp"! Liquid called from above him.  
Nemesis looked up, and saw that Liquid had escaped using the trap door in the cieling. He was now standing with his gun pointed at the cable.  
"Bye". Liquid said as he grabbed into the cable.  
He then shot it, and he was propelled upward at a high rate of speed, while the elevator shot down at the same rate.  
Unfourtionatly for Liquid, the elevator only dropped 1 floor before hitting the bottom, making him only go up one floor as well.  
"Shit". Liquid said as he saw Nemesis climb on top of the undamaged elevator.  
Nemesis screamed his rage, and Liquid began frantacly climbing the cable.  
A second later, Nemesis reached the cable, but instead of pulling it down, he began fishing around his pants pockets for something.  
Liquid looked again, and saw that the monster was now holding onto a zippo lighter.  
Liquid shook his head, and Nemesis nodded as he flicked the lighter on, and touched the flame to the end of the cable.  
"You better climb, Liquid". Nemesis said as the flame began crawling up the cable, gaining on Liquid no matter how fast he climbed.  
Soon the fire had caught him, and it burned his hands as he kept climbing.  
"You can take it like a man or an inmate". Nemesis said. "Either way, you're mine, cuncubine!  
Liquid was just about to let go, when he saw something sitting on the ledge that gave him one last flicker of hope.  
He pocketed the small object, and then let go of the cable, aiming so that his feet slammed into the monster's face, making him fall back into the trapdoor.  
Liquid used this time to run full speed across the room, toward the water storage pool.  
"I can smell your funk, Liquid"! Nemesis called as he began to persue him. "AND I'M COMMING TO BURY MY FACE IN IT!  
Liquid reached the door a half a second before Nemesis would had him (in more ways then one), and he dove into the pool, going underwater as far as he could.  
"I like it better wet, anyway, bitch"! Nemesis called as he prepared to jump into the pool.  
But suddenly Liquid surfaced with two things in his hands: The Inquisitor's gauntlet, and the D size battery that he found in the elevator shaft.  
"Now I've got you"! Liquid yelled as he pushed the battery in. "Prepare to be erased from time itself!  
He gave a triumphant battle cry as he pushed the button.  
But nothing happened.  
"Woops". Liquid said as he took the battery out. "Positive on negitive, ok.  
Nemesis roared, and leaped into the pool just as he finished righting the battery.  
The whole pool lit up with an orange glow, and when it faded.  
Nemesis was human.  
"Oh, my". He said. "I'm human...now I can lead a peaceful and productive life in which I strive for Liquid suddenly pushed his head underwater, and held it there until the bubbles stopped.  
"Warning"! The loudspeaker said as Liquid got out the pool. "Only five minutes remaining until this whole place is blown to shit!  
"Will this never end"? He asked as he began running back toward the elevator shaft. 


	23. The End And The Beginning

Liquid ran as fast as he could all the way across the giant room, finally reaching what was left of the elevator, only to collapse to his knees from being out of breath.  
"How do they do it"? He asked. "They make all of that running look easy in the actual games.  
He soon caught his breath, and used the Inquisitor's gauntlet to repair the elevator.  
"Warning". The computer said. "5 minutes remaining until self destruct is activated". "Have a nice day, and when you get blown to shit, try not to splatter on the floor, we just had it washed.  
Liquid pushed the button, and it slowly began to acend upward.  
Meanwhile, Rebecca had reached the surface, and now only a large wall with a heavy door stood in her way to freedom.  
She pushed on it as hard as she could, but it wouldn't budge. She also shot it a few times, but it still didn't budge.  
Then the elevator came to life, and began humming as it came up.  
"Impossible". She said as she watched the cable moving upward. "Someone really needs to teach him how to die.  
She pulled out her gun, and shot the cable. This caused Liquid to let out a loud and girly scream as the elevator began falling.  
But after about three seconds of screaming, he remembered about the gauntlet, and used it to repair the cable. Rebecca tried to shoot it again while it was being repaired, but the bullet simply stopped about an inch away, and returned to her gun.  
Liquid finally reached the top, and stepped out of the elevator with his gauntlet aimed directly at her.  
"What are you doing"? She asked.  
"The same thing you tried to do to me". He replied as his other hand moved on top of the button. "But instead of killing you, I'm gonna erase you completely from time itself so that I will never have to deal with your stupid whiney voice ever again.  
"But if you erase me, I will never ha exsisted, and you will never have thought of erasing me, and I will still be "SHUT THE FUCK UP"! "You tried to handcuff me in the middle of a zombie crises, you committed the unforgivable crime of putting a clothes pin on my ear, you crashed the train, shot me in the foot, abandoned me with that guy from Saw, and then you left me to face Xing, Garth Brooks, and the Nemi-Gimp on my own"! "Goodbye, you horrible horrible bitch!  
He pushed the button, but once again saw the dead battery indicator light up.  
"God damn it to fuck"! He yelled as he pulled out the battery. "Stupid Duricell"! "Should have used Energizer!  
"Still going". A deep voice said as the energizer bunny came out from around the corner. "Nothing outlasts the energizer battery". "It keeps going and going and going and going.  
Liquid walked over to the pink bunny, ripped the battery out of it's back, and gave it a harsh kick into the elevator. Then he shot the cable, and a few seconds later was rewarded by the sound of a very hard crash.  
"OUTLAST THAT, MOTHER FUCKER"! Liquid yelled. "STILL GOING...NOT ANYMORE"! "HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  
"You've finally cracked". Rebecca said as he put in the new battery.  
"Warning". The computer said. "Only 2 minutes remaining until you all die a horrible screaming death.  
Rebecca grabbed the gauntlet as Liquid was closing the battery door, pulled it off his arm, and tossed it down the shaft.  
"No"! Liquid yelled as he tried to grab it.  
He missed, and it fell from his reach.  
"One can only imagine". Rebecca said. "What someone like you would have done with a weapon like that.  
"How about reset the self destruct timer, retard". He said. "Or destroyed that heavy door, moron.  
"I never thought of that.  
"Warning". The computer said. "1 minute left, if you're gonna do something, you better do it now.  
They both ran over to the door, and shoved it with all their combined strength, but it didn't budge. This caused Liquid to wonder how he had been able to knock Nemesis off his feet, but unable to open a door.  
"It's hopeless". Rebecca said. "Game over, man". "Game over.  
Liquid studied the door for a second, and smacked her in the back of the head.  
"Hey, retard". He said as he pointed to it. "It says PULL.  
He opened the door easily, and they ran away just as the countdown reached zero.  
Then the building exploded as they reached the top of the hill.  
"Man, that sucked". Liquid said.  
"Hey"! Rebecca yelled. "That must be the mansion that Enricho was talking about!  
Liquid looked in the direction that she was pointing.  
There was a cloud cover over the mansion, lightning was flashing, and there was a sign out front that said: PLEASE GOD, WHATEVER YOU DO, DO NOT ENTER THIS EVIL PLACE. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE WHILE YOU CAN.  
"It lookes safe to me". Rebecca said.  
"Are you stupid"? He asked. "Look at that place...have you never seen the movie Psyco?  
"Quit being such a baby, and let's go.  
"I am certainly not going anywhere near that mansion.  
"Well...then I guess this is goodbye.  
"I suppose it is.  
Rebecca saluted him.  
"What the hell are you doing"? He asked.  
"Saluting". She replied. "You are an ex-lieutenant, right?  
He sighed, and returned the salute. Once he was in the position, she kicked him in the balls, making him fall to his hands and knees.  
"If I ever see you again". She warned. "I will rip your heart out through your ass, and then put it back into place by cramming it down your throat". "Now you can take your chances in the woods again if you want, but I am going to escape into the mansion, where I think it is safe.  
She ran past the gates, and dissapeared into the house. It didn't take long for the shots to ring out.  
"My god". Liquid said. "She's gonna get killed in there.  
Then he shrugged, and turned away from the house.  
"I love being a villan". He said as he dissapeared into the woods. 


End file.
